A Bigger Plan: Jordy's Story

   From the time I found out I was pregnant something felt off.  I can remember telling Daneal so many times through my pregnancy that I felt like something wasn’t right.  It was a long pregnancy with one problem after another.  My heart kept telling me something bad was coming.  It’s the hardest feeling to describe but it was there in my gut every single day.  After 37 weeks my labor came hard and fast.  Then there she was.  She looked perfect, beautiful, and just like her sisters!  For a split second I had a sigh of relief.  She was a perfect healthy baby girl.  Then the dominos began to fall……. 

            They had trouble getting her to take her first breath and her oxygen levels were low.  They assured me this was normal with babies born at 37 weeks and Jordy would be fine by the next day.  The next day came and she was off of the oxygen and now another sigh of relief.  Ahhh, now I have my healthy baby girl.  She did breathe a little loud but again that was normal for a baby born at 37 weeks and that was probably just mucus.  It would go away in a couple weeks.  Our first night at home was the beginning of the fight of my life.  That’s the night she stopped breathing in my arms for the first time and I saw my whole world crashing around me.

            I have experienced more emotions in the past 11 months than I have every felt in my whole life.  It has been rage, anger, fear, heartbreak, betrayal, joy, and questioning my faith all bundled up into one.  There’s not one word that that can explain what my heart goes through when I look at Jordy.

The RAGE is me trying to figure out why God would do this to such an innocent baby.  How could he let her struggle with every breath?  Sometimes I lay awake watching her trying to imagine what it would be like living everyday not taking a deep breath of air, to feel as if I was suffocating with every breath I took. 

ANGER hits me when people tell me that she looks like she doing so much better.  Really?  Seriously?  Would you like to come with me when she gets her next scope done and then let me know how she looks?  Listen to her scream while I watch her airways collapse before my eyes on a monitor.  Better yet, maybe I should call you at 3am when she wakes up gasping for air and choking.  Maybe you might think different if you watched the tears stream down her cheeks but no sound coming out because she’s choking on her own saliva as I watch helpless thinking “breathe baby breathe”.  Wondering if this will be the time I have to start CPR.  Then let me know how “fine” she is or “how much better she is doing”. 

FEAR is the unknown.  The feeling like no one understands what our family is going through daily.  The fear of how this stress is going to affect my family.  The constant “what if” thought that runs through my head.  The fear that she may not start breathing again someday. 

HEARTBREAK is my heart breaking into a million pieces every day.  When I can see the fear and love in Jordy’s eyes all within the same second as she’s fighting for that next breath on a rough day.  The heartbreak of how hopeless it feels as a Mother that my kiss is not enough to make her all better. 

BETRAYAL is for all of the false hope I was given by so many of the doctors in the beginning.  LM was supposed to be gone by the time she was 9 months!!!  We were supposed to outgrow this!  FU LM! 

 

And then the JOY came!  After 11 months I still feel every single one of these emotions every single day but I wouldn’t trade a single one of these for what comes with them, the JOY of saying “I am Jordy’s MOMMA!”  God knew we needed each other and he has big plans for us.  He knew that my heart was full of enough patience and love to be the perfect Mommy for her.  He knew I was a fighter and would fight for her and would never give up on her.  He also knew that I needed her to teach me so many lessons that I had not yet been taught.  I took life and everything in it for granted.  I needed to slow down and see how beautiful my surrounds truly are.  I’ve learned how precious every moment bad or good is.  I’ve lost some people that I at one time thought were important to me but, I also have a few relationships that have grown stronger than ever through all of this.  I’ve gained a new family out of complete strangers who know exactly how I’m feeling.  These amazing women have put a whole new meaning in two simple words for my family.  BREATHE EASY.  For these ladies I am thankful!

It’s taken me 11 months to finally be able to put my feelings down on paper.  Actually, I think it’s taken me 11 months to finally get my feelings sorted out.  I know our journey is far from over and this I have come to accept.  This is our life and someday it will all become part of a bigger plan.  

Written by : LM Supermama  Stormye