Written by: Naomi, Penny's Mom.
When we started on this
journey little over a year ago I didn't know just how hard it was going
to be. I became numb from it all because it was the only way to cope
with everything that was happening.
I
fought to be seen by the hospital because I knew something wasn't right
and I knew it wasn't mild laryngomalacia and that Gaviscon (reflux medication) wouldn't fix this
problem like the doctor said it would.
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| Penny with her Breathe Easy Care Package blanket and hospital gown. |
I'd turn away and my precious little baby would be gray and lifeless. Fast asleep as if she'd passed away. I'd hold her in my arms and rub her to wake her up, she'd gasp and be back with us again. It was the scariest time of my entire life. Hoping that each time she would
come around yet fearing that she wouldn't with each time it happened.
The
first time the doctors attached her to the monitors, I sat staring at
the numbers. Terrified each time they dropped and the alarms would
sound. I've never felt so alone as I did watching those monitors.
Feeding
became torturous for both her and I. Each bottle I made up, knowing
she'd gag and struggle, forcing her with each mouthful so she would
stay strong. Pushing her till she'd had enough but still pushing
her more because a mother is meant to be able to feed her baby. To
nourish them. It's a normal, natural thing to be able to feed your baby
yet I couldn't, she couldn't anymore.
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| Penny, in the hospital. |
After so many hospital visits we were told she needed surgery. I was terrified yet relieved they where going to help her get better.
She
was only 8 weeks old when this was decided. When everyone else was
enjoying there new babies I was searching desperately for reassurance
that she would be okay.
Researching everything because I didn't understand all the big words they where using at the time.
She
started to give up and slept all day. Only waking for small feeds then
sleeping again. In the end I was feeding her tiny amounts with a syringe
and that's when I couldn't do it any longer and she couldn't cope any
longer being forced to feed. She was tired out with it all.
The hospital decided to tube feed her. This was all foreign to me.
It
was so hard seeing her pinned down and tubed. Each time she screamed
and it was a totally different scream than you ever hear your baby
doing. It was heart wrenching.
Surgery
day came and it was like no other. Handing your baby over to anesthesiologist. Terrified that she would be OK. I'm not religious but my
god did I pray that day. Pray that my beautiful baby girl would stay
strong and fight and by god she did me proud that day. She's a fighter,
my Penny.
When
I was taken to her in recovery I couldn't even hear words that anyone
was saying to me. They where speaking to me but i couldn't comprehend
the information
they where telling me. All I could focus
on was her and her screams of confusion and pain. Her chest was making
an awful sound and she was struggling so needed oxygen. I held her in my
arms tightly and never wanted to let go again.
After a rough night she recovered really well but still struggled with feeding for a few months afterwards. I didn't care how she was fed anymore as long as she was fed.
She
did all of her 'firsts' in hospital. First smile, first time she sat
up, rolled, her first tooth. Even her first taste of food. Instead of the excitement I sat and longed to be home as a family again. We missed Christmas and birthdays, I missed my eldest daughter incredibly. I was torn in half.
It
was a hard journey getting her off the tube feeds. Starving her to make
her hungry so she would eat. She was scared of people near her when she
was eating because of all the tube changes. She wanted to be left alone
and so would you wouldn't you after all she'd been through. But she did
it and she became tube free. She absolutely loves food now.
You would never be able to tell she was tube fed now. She made me excited just watching her. I longed to be able to spoon feed her but she just wanted to be left to it.
After a few weeks she eventually let me and I felt like a real mammy again. I could feed my own baby again!
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| Penny, enjoying lunch! |
We've
still had reflux issues but she is getting there, she is strong and
she is a brave baby. She is the toughest baby I know and on days where I
don't feel strong I look at her and she makes everything perfect.
She
still struggles at night and can't settle and has a terrible tracheal
tug but one day she will be completely over all this. I know this
because she can do anything if she got through the past year and I
certainly couldn't have got through this last year without her.
