Looking Back: Dear Laryngomalacia

Dear Laryngomalacia,

It has been 9 months to the day since you forcefully introduced yourself in my life.In my baby's life.In my family's life. It's odd to me to think 9 months. 1 day. ago I had no idea who you were. I had no idea how life was going to completely change...for the better...for the worse. I had no idea how to care for a baby with LM. I had no idea how to cope.

You make me angry. You make me very angry. I have never felt such strong, raw anger until I met you...Until you took away my newborns breath as well as mine. Until I had to hold my baby down while a doctor took a scope and stuck it up her nose and as she screamed and gasped for air all I could do was pray she was okay. And then the blood started pouring from her nose...she was blue/purple and the doctor looked at me and said... "your baby has Laryngomalacia."....and then angry can not possibly describe the feeling from that moment on.

You make me sad. So sad. Sad that I have wished away my baby's first 9 months of life in hopes of something better for her. You have made me cry harder than I ever thought I could cry before. I have cried because you have made my heart ache so painfully. You made me cry as I signed the papers saying I understood there was a chance my baby wouldn't make it through her surgery. I have cried as I watched other baby's cry...and not choke. That hurts. A lot. You have made me cry until there are no more tears left.

You have betrayed me. LM is supposed to be only noisy breathing. An annoyance for the parents rather than a life threatening condition, forced upon a child. You were suppose to improve within the first 3 months without medical intervention. We were "watching & waiting"...waiting for you to leave...you were suppose to leave. You are and never have been welcome in my baby's life. And then, when I thought you wouldn't betray me again you did. You affected my baby's heart. Because of you she struggled to breathe so hard.for so long. her heart needed to work overtime 24/7 so it started to thicken. And as I stood there in the pediatric cardiologists office while the doctor told me this condition could turn into heart disease...I have never hated you so much in my life. I had to hold on to the side of the examination table while she drew a diagram of my baby's heart...showing the damage you had done. And at that moment I have NEVER wanted to escape from my own life so badly before. How dare you. How dare you hurt her.

You have made me witness things I never thought I would have to nor I ever wanted too. I never thought I would have to hear an alarm go off telling me my baby has not taken a breath in 20 secs...and I now have 10 secs before I need to start CPR. That I would have to see my infant laying there...pale and lifeless. I hate you for that. I hate that you made me feel like she was going to leave me every night. That I would never be able to get her back. I will never forgive you for that. I will never be the same because of that. A mother should never have to feel like that. A mother should never have to pray her baby wakes up in the morning.

You have destroyed me. You have broken me into a million pieces and 9 months later... I am still slowly putting the pieces back together. I see how you have broken my baby. How she fears being on her back...because of you. It.Is.Your.Fault.
The pain you have caused me. The pain you have caused my baby has been unbearable. There are days {most days} when I wish you never existed. I wish I could wake up in the morning and the past 9 months was a complete nightmare. But it never happens. I wake up to my life. And you are in my life. You are in my baby's life...so I can either hate you forever or accept you and try to move on. Try to live in peace. Try to heal.

Our relationship will probably always be a "work in progress." A love/hate relationship for sure.

But I do have ONE MORE thing I would like to tell you Mr. Laryngomalacia...

F U. YOU SUCK.

Love, Steph