I
haven't been able to spend much time with my family for the past few
weeks. Well, I guess you could say for the past year. I am in a nursing
program that keeps me constantly preoccupied with writing papers, twelve
hour clinicals, and a never ending need to study. It's been hard
juggling school with family. I always feel torn with what I need to do
to succeed in my career, and my desire to spend time with my children.
It feels like to truly succeed at one, I have to be subpar in the other.
I have really missed out on a lot of quality time with both my children
this year, and I really regret not getting to be there to watch most of
Hannah's firsts. I stayed at home with my son until he was in
kindergarten, and I feel like our relationship will always be strong
because of that, no matter how unavailable I may be at the present. When
I return, we still have that bond and it's not hard to regain the
closeness that we have always shared.
My biggest fear is that I won't have the time to develop that bond with my daughter. She has spent her entire 13 months of life being bounced from grandma to grandma, nanny to new nanny. I only get to spend a few hours with her before I have some other test to study for or another 12 hour clinical that will keep me from seeing her all day. I feel like I have missed out on her entire life so far,and I only hope that it is something I can make up for this December when I graduate.
I will get to spend the entire summer with my kids; no more distractions, just quality time and attention to try to build a relationship that can sustain us for one more semester. I envy mothers who can stay home with their children, but at the same time I really love what I do. I love caring for others; I just need to figure out a way to not feel so guilty when I have to not be here to care for my own family.
My plan for the summer is to devote myself to my children, make lots of happy memories, and stop being so hard on myself for not being there lately. We are going to play in the pool, take walks in the woods, take a trip to the beach, and sit on the front porch licking Popsicle's and being silly! I can't wait for the fun to begin! It is going to be a summer to remember!
My biggest fear is that I won't have the time to develop that bond with my daughter. She has spent her entire 13 months of life being bounced from grandma to grandma, nanny to new nanny. I only get to spend a few hours with her before I have some other test to study for or another 12 hour clinical that will keep me from seeing her all day. I feel like I have missed out on her entire life so far,and I only hope that it is something I can make up for this December when I graduate.
I will get to spend the entire summer with my kids; no more distractions, just quality time and attention to try to build a relationship that can sustain us for one more semester. I envy mothers who can stay home with their children, but at the same time I really love what I do. I love caring for others; I just need to figure out a way to not feel so guilty when I have to not be here to care for my own family.
My plan for the summer is to devote myself to my children, make lots of happy memories, and stop being so hard on myself for not being there lately. We are going to play in the pool, take walks in the woods, take a trip to the beach, and sit on the front porch licking Popsicle's and being silly! I can't wait for the fun to begin! It is going to be a summer to remember!
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