Looking Back: A Floppy Larynx 1st Birthday

 Seraphina celebrating her First Birthday at 16 months old.

The First Birthday. It's a big deal. Not only have you kept your baby alive, fed, diapered and clothed for an ENTIRE year..but you have somehow survived one year straight of not sleeping.
Who knew it was possible!?


Lilli's First Birthday planning started approximately the day she turned nine months. Or if we are being totally honest... I believe I started planning the day after her Happy Unbirthday Party... (what? yes.. I threw her a Happy Unbirthday Party the day she turned 6 months old. There was a cake --made by me with a huge 6 on it--, gifts and the people who adore her as much as I do were there...).
Her --real-- first birthday party was a HUGE backyard BBQ at my parents house--Pooh Bear theme. 70 guests,handmade bee's and even life sized, hand-painted Pooh characters lined the fence. The night before the party my sister and I filled about 100 plastic bear containers with honey and wrote "Happy 1st Birthday Lilli." on them... it was out of control to say the least.

I was already 13 weeks pregnant with Miss Seraphina but it was Lilli's day... she deserved a huge hoorah!

It was a great party... exhausting...but great.

So... Seraphina has been a year old for three months now...and the only thing we have done is ice cream cake and some pictures. I have not even taken her to Sear's for her First Year photo shoot. Her birthday dress hangs in her closet with the tags still on...the shoes she has already grown out of...but never worn. I am a horrible mother. I feel like I have cheated her. That I have let this mess of floppy larynx run  ruin our lives. It's not like I didn't try to plan a party. I did. Then I stopped because... being in and out of the hospital... Not knowing exactly what was going on... It was to much (for me...not her...).

I concentrated on caring for my baby and put the party hats away for another day.

My Plan B was to have a huge party after the sleep study results... because THOSE sleep study results were supposed to tell us what was wrong. Well...the sleep study has come and gone...the results have told us nothing more then we already knew...and my baby still has not had icing smeared across her perfect little face.

What am I waiting for? Why is this so hard? I don't know. I think a part of me doesn't want to accept that my baby has been through what she has been through in her first year of life. If we have a party. If we have a photo shoot.It is all real. Instead of looking back and seeing all the milestones she has reached and mastered.
I will be reminded... reminded of something I try to forget...everyday.

Since the sleep study "results"...since Friday...Seraphina's last seizure. I realized something. Nothing is going to change this. I can wait for a million test results. I can never leave her side. I can not throw her a party. No matter what. She will STILL have a floppy larynx. She will STILL stop breathing. She probably STILL will have seizures.

And she will STILL be living.
She will STILL be my little girl...with her crazy red hair and a big tooth grin.

So instead of letting her first birthday remind me everything that has happened to her...it is going to remind of everything she has gotten through. Every smile she has made. Every ounce of strength this baby has. Every milestone reached. Every word spoken. Every perfect baby belly laugh. She.is.amazing. and it's about damn time I celebrate her...for being her...
I celebrate her and that floppy larynx!