Sunday, January 15, 2012

A changed mother

Motherhood changes a woman. She leaves the hospital forever changed.
I remember leaving the hospital with my first, Lilli... thinking... how can I be the same person? I just witnessed a miracle.
Just like motherhood changed me, so has having a baby with a defect.
For a very long time I struggled with this new chapter in my book of motherhood. I never felt strong enough to be a mother of a "sick" baby. I was angry...a lot...all the time. I cried constantly and constantly kept wishing for yesterday.
I couldn't keep up with the constant doctors appointments, the hospitalizations, the packing and unpacking, the medical bills, the lack of support from certain people in my life.
I was allowing myself to drown in my own life.

I would be so annoyed my house was never clean, the girls clothes were never organized, like they once were. Seraphina's first birthday came and went... we didn't have a party until almost 6 months later. Most days, I had no idea what day it actually was.
Wait, did I wear these yoga pants yesterday? Eh.. whatever, how am I trying to impress?

Then I realized something... my life has changed.
I have changed... and perhaps my house isn't always --eat off the floor--clean because having my baby breathing is more important. Enjoying the days when both my kids are happy and healthy takes top priority on the to-do list than re-organizing clothes that they are going to grow out of in three months anyway.

Do I sometimes find myself... in the mists of searching for that late medical bill ...fantasize about my prior life... of course. I will never have that Pinterest kind of life, my camera is never charged, there will always be a pile of lost socks, a to-do list longer than Seraphina is tall, a car that has so many crumbs on the floor you could make a crumb cake... and you know what? That's okay with me because at the end of the day... my kids are happy & healthy... we are no longer living life in between hospital stays... I spend my time with my kids instead of looking for lost socks...
Lilli is now 3 and half years old... Seraphina is hours away from being 2. Every night I give them a bath, brush teeth and read 3... 4... stories... as I am putting the books away Lilli will ask me, "Mommy, what did we do today?" And we have a recap of the day. We talk about what we did, who we saw...ect...And every night I walk out of their room thinking... THAT is much more important then vacuuming out the car.

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