Looking Back: The Grass Is Greener

I have never been the jealous type. I have always tried very hard to want what I have not what I don't. After my baby was diagnosed... that whole way of thinking quickly changed. My days were now spent in doctors offices.. hospitals...with loud monitor alarms... it went on and on... I quickly began wanting... wishing... needing what I didn't have... a baby without health issues. I needed my baby... better.

Around the time I gave birth a large group of my friends did as well. I excitedly welcomed them into the secret club called Motherhood... but deep down I was falling apart. I was painfully jealous. Jealous of their "perfect" healthy babies. Every time they told me how great Motherhood was...I was reminded of how my horribly scary mine was. I desperately tried to not breakdown when I was told how wonderful breastfeeding was going or how easily Baby settled into their life. So many times I have wondered what did they do that I did not. Did they eat more apples than me? Maybe they slept on their left side longer than I did. Why were they given babies without health issues and I was ? I carried a monitor while my friends carried a stylish diaper bag. While they were all on play dates while I was getting a tour of the PICU. My heart was breaking while theirs was growing.

I am sure I am not the only one who has ever felt this way... it is only human nature to want what you don't have... the grass is always greener as they say. You can choose to drink from your glass half full or half empty. Turn the negative into positive. If that is the case... I will take a half full glass of positive! :)